Enmeshment in Friendships: Why It Happens and How to Find Balance

Enmeshment in friendships occurs because of relationship dynamics that were modeled in childhood. Adults who often find themselves enmeshed with others were not taught healthy boundaries, how to identify and prioritize their own needs, or how to be assertive in communication. If these skills were taught or modeled, they weren't prioritized or reinforced by their parents. At its core, enmeshment is driven by a fear of emotional instability or abandonment, so the enmeshed person tries everything they can not to “rock the boat.”

We can think of enmeshment as being too dependent on another person and/or another person being too dependent on us. This can involve any type of need, including practical needs, such as running errands, or emotional needs, such as validation and support.

All of these needs can have a healthy place in a relationship. The key is knowing where your needs end and another person's begin. This can be very difficult for enmeshed people, who often ignore or repress their own needs. Often, enmeshed people prioritize the needs and preferences of others, sometimes to the point of convincing themselves that these are, in fact, their own needs or desires. Psychologists always consider the function of behavior, and being needed serves many functions, including receiving attention, increasing self-esteem, providing a sense of purpose, fostering connection, and attempting to avoid abandonment, to name a few.

By definition, enmeshment occurs between both people in a relationship. The balance of who is prioritized can fluctuate over time. Sometimes, one person is consistently prioritized. Some common signs of enmeshment include:

1. Having difficulty identifying and prioritizing basic needs and preferences in a relationship (such as making decisions)
2. Significant discomfort with differences of opinion or distance
3. Poor or diffuse boundaries
4. Feeling responsible for the other person, particularly their emotions
5. A lack of individuality or a unique identity
6. Too much involvement in one another's lives
7. Feeling as though the other person's emotions have become your own

The downsides of enmeshment include neglecting your own identity, values, priorities, preferences, and opinions. Anyone who is enmeshed may feel burned out from constantly caretaking or feeling responsible for the other person. There is often resentment when you are not prioritized in the same way that you prioritize them.

The antidote to enmeshment is healthy independence. Some practical steps an enmeshed person can take include:

1. When asked to make a decision, ask yourself, “What do I actually want in this situation? What would my preference be if I had to choose?”
2. Spend time alone. Spend time connecting with yourself, and intentionally protect time each week for hobbies and interests.
3. Speak up if something bothers you. This may be difficult at first, but the more you practice, the easier it becomes. The other person may have a reaction, and it's important to recognize that their reaction is not your responsibility to solve.
4. Practice saying “no.” This may be difficult at first, so start with low-stakes situations, such as declining casual plans or unimportant events. Gradually increase the stakes as you become more comfortable.
5. Get clear on what your values are. One helpful tool is the ACT values card sort, and many versions are available after a quick Google search.
6. Remind yourself that another person's emotions are not your responsibility. Ask yourself whether you have the capacity to provide support each time it's needed, and offer another time if you don't. Of course, healthy friendships require emotional intimacy and reciprocity, so the goal is balance.
7. Put on your own oxygen mask first. An enmeshed person usually needs to learn how to care for and support themselves before providing that support to others. This may include seeking professional help, making healthy lifestyle choices, creating better work-life balance, or fostering and investing in community.

Sometimes, in unhealthy enmeshed relationships, independence is punished and retaliation occurs. If someone continues to punish your independence because it doesn't benefit them, refuses to respect healthy boundaries, or doesn't value you as an independent person, it may be time to consider taking a step back from the friendship. I also encourage people to remember that friendships exist at different levels and serve different purposes. Some are close and emotionally supportive. Others are great for spending time together but don't involve deep emotional investment. Some are friendly acquaintances you casually catch up with, while others are work relationships. If this type of treatment continues, maybe that person gets demoted.